By Sarah Samways, Contributing Female 

While the majority of Lankvillians spent this past Halloween walking around aimlessly, looking for a “good time,” visual artist and occasional occultist, Carl Dunn, spent his morning a little bit differently. Going to the local slaughterhouse, nearby his beloved Fotomat and down around the corner from the Pizza-A-Round, Dunn brought with him a pocket knife, a rare, leather-bound book of demonic chants, and attempted to contact the very face of evil Itself.

Because it’s the New Year, a time teeming with glee, ghosts and alcoholism, I probed Dunn for any tips he had on summoning spirits. He reluctantly obliged.

SS: Why are you doing this?

CD: I’m very creative.

Dunn, standing in front of a wall.

Dunn, standing in front of a wall.

SS: Fair enough. So what happened out there, were you able to bring forth the face of Evil?

CD: Oh yeah, for sure. It wasn’t really talkative though – I should’ve had a plan B. Maybe some notecards so we could engage in small talk or something. I was all prepared for the beginning, ya know, getting ‘im there – I chanted until my tongue was twisted…

SS (nods): The creepy book in Latin, the pocket knife to draw your own blood as an offering…

CD: Yeah, it was great. But then, It like, showed up in this big cloud of fog…just this floating head, really surreal. It had these bright, glowing red eyes and it let out this deafening shriek. If I were a weaker man, I’d have run for the hills, ya know if they weren’t polluted with toxic sludge…

SS: Right, right.

CD: But anyway, It lets out this shriek for about ten minutes and then it just stops, blinks Its eyes and then looks at me. You could practically see the question mark hovering on Its face.

The Face of Evil (file photo)

The Face of Evil (file photo)

SS: It wanted to know what you wanted, why you had summoned It…?

CD: Yeah, I think so. But I really had no good answer so I just said, ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ Then it disappeared.

SS: Amazing. Do you have any tips for Lankvillians regarding contacting spirits, the other side, ghosts, and any other odd undead land mammals?

CD: Notecards or a prepared speech, anything topical. I have a feeling that Evil is really interested in politics. Yeah, I’m gonna stick with that. You don’t wanna bore Evil when it finally graces you with Its presence.

SS: Thank you, Carl. As always, you’re a special delight.

Carl then nodded, gave me a pat on the shoulder and went out for a smoke. I preceded to put up special New Year’s tinsel and fuzzy garland, just to make the place look a little more festive. Happy New Year, Lankville!

LANKVILLE TALKS BACK 

brock belvedere
By Brock Belvedere

The Lankville Presidential Election is heating up. Incumbent Pondicherry is currently in the lead with Royer and Hadbawnik tied for second. Polls close on Thursday and the winner will be announced on Friday via this publication as well as through our sister pundit, The Boston Hassle. You’ve seen the attack ads, now let’s see what Lankvillians have to say about the candidates.

 

DAVID HADBAWNIK, GOURD 

Sarah Samways
Sarah Samways

“I voted for David. Think he’s been running a strong campaign from the very beginning. He obviously has concerns about the environment. Nobody else has even mentioned the Lankvillian smog. He just seems like a regular guy you’d go and have Kombucha with at the local artisanal cheese shop. He’d make a fine President. Now, personally, I took issue with the fact that he helped to out my affair with Ashley Pfeiffers’ boyfriend but in hindsight, I’m glad he did. (He) was an absolute bore anyway. It just goes to show you, how uncompromised Hadbawnik’s ethics are – he can’t be bought, believe me I tried!” – Sarah Samways, Samways & Fick Consultants 

 

ALBERT PONDICHERRY, MODERATION

Neil Cuppy
Neil Cuppy

“Great men should remain in positions of power for as long as possible. Change is overrated. Besides, Pondicherry is the only person to ever come down to my basement to browse my extensive vintage electronics collection. He even bought an old model Reckoner! He’s a man with great taste in polyester and has never once made me feel awkward about my sweat gland issue!” – Neil Cuppy, The Electronics Cranny 

“The Pizza-A-Round fully endorses Albert Pondicherry for President of Lankville. He supports local businesses, mostly the back of the house where there are good hiding places and a couple of random holes in the wall but nevertheless, he bought 72 pizzas for our little league team! Now, this is the off-season but he hand delivered every single one of those pies to each player’s home. Yes, it was 10:30 at night but his heart was in the right place – it always is.” – Pizza-A-Round

RANDY PENDLETON, LANKVILLE HERITAGE

“Goddamn motherlusting idiots! Pendleton is the only man for the job! He ain’t afraid to speak his mind. You got a problem with that, pal? Go back to whatever hut you were born in. Lankville needs to get back to its roots and become number one again. Pendleton is a guy who can roll with the punches and I like that, I like it a lot.” – Dick La Hoyt

AMANDA JENNIFERS, MORALITY

“I hereby declare myself as the most qualified candidate for President of Lankville. While the other candidates have their hands in jars of old money, mine are clean and ready for your examination. I don’t need to pay for endorsements; Lankville is ready for a new voice – a clear, well-educated, hard-working, voice that will stand up for them. Plus, I’m female and we all know what an asset that is in politics.” – Amanda Jennifers

RIC ROYER, HELL 

Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston

“Ric’s been a patient of mine for some time and I’ve gotta say, he’s made some tremendous strides. Just yesterday, while doing some breathing exercises, he purchased a Feelings Trigger-Sphere (basketball), and a carafe of stale ginger ale, which at a combined total of $39.99 is an absolute steal. I spoke with him softly, merely above a whisper, as he explained his horrible dreams for Lankville. Now, I’m not registered to vote, because I feel competition, in general, can harbor some of our more yucky feelings but I’m not opposed to you doing so, Brock. In fact, I have these nice, antique quill pens that you can fill out your ballot with for a limited time offer price of $27.85…” – Dr. Kevin Thurston, Men’s Feelings Expert

 

 

This guy was into the whole “Oriental thing” and he totally wanted it. I appreciated his height and the fact that he could probably pick me up and save me from a forest fire with ease but that was about it. Thrice after work I joined him and other co-workers for commiseration and drinks at the local dollar bar, (which were, of course, often one in the same). The conversation was beginning to become stale and wallets were thinning so I got nostalgic and puked in the bathroom. Later, I returned to my tiny apartment alone and manic.

We rarely speak now because I don’t feel like feigning interest, out of respect really. Occasionally I get bored and toss him a laugh for a joke that will go nowhere. For experimental purposes, to differentiate between the xx and xy chromosomes, I gathered a bucket of soapy water and stuck my hand in its warmth. The suds stuck to my hand quite effectively; I didn’t rinse them off. I walked through the hallway, past his cubicle, all the while ignoring him, letting my sudsy hand fall to my side, the other carrying the bucket. Like a waltz that no one was watching, he left his desk, pretending not to follow me, to get a drink at the water cooler. He paused in front of me, slowly sipping the liquid, his head tilted back towards the sky, sighed, and sauntered off. I laughed to myself because I was so much better at this game.

I took my break a few hours later and glued myself upon your pixels and preceded to die a slow and painful death.

Featured: Pin Productions’ Music and Art Festival vendor table, InfoWars, “This looks like Prada in Marfa, Texas…”, a birthday, kittens, St. Joseph’s Church of the Good Shepherd Holiday Bazaar vendor table, Chris Cornell at The Vets, cool Thanksgiving pictures taken by little kids (edited by SS).