Travel makes us weary. Technology makes us want. We are going through some of the neediest times of our lives, separately, of course. Separate sides of the bed, separate seconds of slivers of exposed skin. We’ve come together through an unspoken bond of a complete lack of self-esteem. If only for a moment could I have the courage to say I’d rather our bodies melt slowly together, not heaving and not to be moved in order to hear the literal existence of heart beats that we’d normally keep to ourselves. True camaraderie lies in shared secrets and the willingness to let go. I am not a burden and you are not someone I should have to save, even if, at times, I would like to. We are fragile but rebuilding, evolving.

I know this now but…

You’ll pretend that you don’t mind when a man takes a seat at my lonely table, eagerly awaiting conversation and the exchange of links and online portfolios. I’ll pretend that I don’t care when you tell other women how attractive they are, as they politely sit beside me.

I know I deserve respect but…

We are simple. You pray for “death”, an easier escape, after a series of unfortunate events that have only been alluded to. I’ll wander down new streets hoping that something, anything, will open up my chest with such a great and glowing veracity that the stars themselves would envy my light. I’m in love with my mosquito bites, they remind me that I actually went somewhere and that I have so many more places to go. I still have hope.

I know this now but…

One day, probably much later than anytime soon, I’ll travel deep into green wood, dive headfirst into clear blue, sink into a hot spring, disappear into the fog of a red-skyed autumn evening leaving only behind good intentions, miscalculations, and a smile that will never be erased.

I will find peace. I will grow. I will settle. I will move on.

I drank several glasses of strong tea that were labeled ‘proceed with caution’ – I tapped my fingers and clicked my tongue. I fashioned myself an outfit made from dusty doilies and called it a day. My heart began to expand from the inside, with my chest tightening, I knew it would soon explode. I started snapping at children and felt eager to do it again, the numbness I had held for months was going by the wayside. High octane energy was what I needed – yes, yes, yes! It felt good to be angry for no reason and annoyed at the slightest thing – at least now when I would be awake (!) for hours on end I could say I did so purposely and with style (!) …And in the end, when the exploding of my heart would open up my chest cavity – I would be the one solely responsible – lest suffer a half-assed job done by someone else.

“Ya know,” I said to the air, knowing The Specialist was behind me, without having to turn around.

“Ya know, I could very easily burn The Woods down and build a mall while I have all this pent-up energy, just before my heart gives out…”

He nodded.

“I could just as easily let you and build one as I could whistle Dixie. It would just grow back though and eventually ivy would climb all over the architecture, consuming it whole, making a mockery of any and all man-made creation,” he admitted.

I nodded.

“So what now?”

“We could both light the match…” he began.

We made eye contact.

“…Or we could both run away, straight out of The Woods, promising not to look back at each other – ”

“Running out of here in opposite directions?” I prodded.

“Yes, I’ll take the left and you can take the right…”

“…And we’ll go about our lives in order to have some semblance of sanity in our daily routine – ”

“Because life is difficult enough – ”

” …And if we happen to run into each other on the outside, somewhere in the middle, perhaps we could share a chuckle or casually comment on the weather,” I smiled.

“It could be nice…”

“Yeah, I think it really could be.”

We both sighed, shook hands, took turns slapping each other across the face, smiled, and with our fingers crossed behind our backs, proceeded to run for our lives. It was a start.

(ALTERNATIVE ENDING)

Suddenly a wild yellow dog with a determined look in its eye, started nipping at our heels and ended up following me home. A swirling vortex of a black hole appeared out of nowhere, sucking calendars and farm animals into it. By way of no other alternative escape, I jumped in narrowly escaping its paws. I was then drawn into the past, ruining an otherwise poignant and dare I say, positive, ending to this story.

(ALTERNATIVE TO THE ALTERNATIVE ENDING)

The dog managed to take me down and drew blood. I turned into a puppet only functioning with strong emotions.

(ALTERNATIVE TO THE ALTERNATIVE ENDING, ENDING)

My brain grew toned arms that jutted out of my ears. My other miscellaneous and vital organs patched themselves up with duct tape and staples. I bit the dog and everyone else real and/or imagined from the past, present and/or future that ever felt they could take advantage of me. I took a deep breath and journeyed towards something people call ‘inner peace.’

 

11027969_10153661469297785_349477293955201398_o

When you finally get outside of that little town that you live in and breathe different air, know this, in order to see, you must be seen. I encourage walks down dirty, snow-covered streets, intentionally wearing flip flops in the winter. Wear beautiful garments and forget your name for awhile. With vulnerability comes strength. Make the city cry; let its glitter bleed out into the pavement. Scream at the universe with fury and shaking fists: I EXIST, I EXIST, I PROMISE, I EXIST – I THINK!

If you need a quick break from screaming “I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT” into glass bottles, take a step back and think about what that really means. Look around you and follow whatever path your feet lead you to. Dance like everyone and no one is watching. Stop behaving like a child. It’s going to be okay.

You’ll soon return to your home in that little town that you live in where a party of intellectuals will be flooding the space outside of your door with their innovative conversations. Their voices will muddle together in a strange cacophony and will instantly remind you of your own constantly running inner monologue. With voices piling on top of voices, you might actually catch a bit of truth somewhere. Your life is oh so precious and fleeting, attack it with every last breath.

11046593_10153661465427785_6078015819280420983_o 11038902_10153661471252785_8527748896251159722_o 10863912_10153661473827785_7936072145357554796_o 11024730_10153661468077785_2998272981103884762_o

 

geisha_5

“I remember a time when I spent my nights deciphering The Code and declining invitations to tea with wealthy gentlemen…” continued Ol’ Bat.

The sock had been replaced with a shoe because it had melted. This wasn’t very effective and I spat it out but no one really seemed to care. Teenybopper was pacing the floor.

“How did you get out of The Bubble?” Teenybopper asked, cutting to the chase.

“When I realized that my parts were completely capable of Life!”

Teenybopper nodded. This made sense.

“…And when people were swarming the streets I realized that chaos abounds and is continuously cycling. Death travels to your doorstep and its pigments are swept under your very own rug!”

Ol’ Bat spilled some blood and actually made a compassionate gesture towards Teenybopper, caressing her forearm.

“But you have to forgive yourself eventually…it takes time. It’s very easy to get caught up in The Bubble, it’s an attractive space whose depths have unlimited potential. You have to take time to breathe the air outside every once in awhile though and use your powers for good.”

KIMG0353

Doesn’t your education lust for a refreshing change of pace? Someone, something outside of circles, patterns repeating, (miseducation – a lack of understanding)? Wouldn’t that just be too cute?! Someone, something that has no ties to anything, that has no clout, that has no influence over anyone or anything? Wouldn’t you just breathe at that, baby?

4/26 : 9 sheets of Bingo, 9 Bingo cards on each sheet, final game split between nine people = “BINGO!” (I won nine dollars!)

Winner, Winner...Tofu Dinner
Winner, Winner…Tofu Dinner

 

What I did with it later: (For great service and attention to detail, albeit in a dump of a town, go here…)

Don’t give her peppers!

4/27 – 28: Will Ivy June come today? It’s a little early for her arrival…