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By Sarah Samways, Contributing Female 

While the majority of Lankvillians spent this past Halloween walking around aimlessly, looking for a “good time,” visual artist and occasional occultist, Carl Dunn, spent his morning a little bit differently. Going to the local slaughterhouse, nearby his beloved Fotomat and down around the corner from the Pizza-A-Round, Dunn brought with him a pocket knife, a rare, leather-bound book of demonic chants, and attempted to contact the very face of evil Itself.

Because it’s the New Year, a time teeming with glee, ghosts and alcoholism, I probed Dunn for any tips he had on summoning spirits. He reluctantly obliged.

SS: Why are you doing this?

CD: I’m very creative.

Dunn, standing in front of a wall.

Dunn, standing in front of a wall.

SS: Fair enough. So what happened out there, were you able to bring forth the face of Evil?

CD: Oh yeah, for sure. It wasn’t really talkative though – I should’ve had a plan B. Maybe some notecards so we could engage in small talk or something. I was all prepared for the beginning, ya know, getting ‘im there – I chanted until my tongue was twisted…

SS (nods): The creepy book in Latin, the pocket knife to draw your own blood as an offering…

CD: Yeah, it was great. But then, It like, showed up in this big cloud of fog…just this floating head, really surreal. It had these bright, glowing red eyes and it let out this deafening shriek. If I were a weaker man, I’d have run for the hills, ya know if they weren’t polluted with toxic sludge…

SS: Right, right.

CD: But anyway, It lets out this shriek for about ten minutes and then it just stops, blinks Its eyes and then looks at me. You could practically see the question mark hovering on Its face.

The Face of Evil (file photo)

The Face of Evil (file photo)

SS: It wanted to know what you wanted, why you had summoned It…?

CD: Yeah, I think so. But I really had no good answer so I just said, ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ Then it disappeared.

SS: Amazing. Do you have any tips for Lankvillians regarding contacting spirits, the other side, ghosts, and any other odd undead land mammals?

CD: Notecards or a prepared speech, anything topical. I have a feeling that Evil is really interested in politics. Yeah, I’m gonna stick with that. You don’t wanna bore Evil when it finally graces you with Its presence.

SS: Thank you, Carl. As always, you’re a special delight.

Carl then nodded, gave me a pat on the shoulder and went out for a smoke. I preceded to put up special New Year’s tinsel and fuzzy garland, just to make the place look a little more festive. Happy New Year, Lankville!

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I have a stalker, (legitimately). When I was slightly younger than I am now I was sexually assaulted. Both are two completely different situations but the scars have some eerie similarities: there’s a lot of blaming yourself, being unable to fully participate in life, constantly looking over your shoulder, and seeing your assailant’s face everywhere, (including etched in your brain). Well, push has come to shove and I realize that silence is no longer an option because there are others out there like me. Unfortunately, you or someone you know has gone through a situation like this – it’s all in the staggering and infuriating statistics. I am eternally grateful to Dan Shea and the Boston Hassle for being brave enough to give me a platform to speak upon this issue.

COLLECTED THOUGHTS: VOYEURISM IN 2015

“I consider myself to be a private person. I can repress a multitude of thoughts and feelings within a single sigh. What I’m saying is, if you’re dying to express something with, to, or in the general vicinity of me I’m probably not going to want to talk about it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fantastic listener/responder/advice-doler-outer, okay? But if you’re looking to listen to me, like really listen to me, be prepared for an awkward silence. This behavior has become too damn habitual to actually disappear altogether, but I’m learning. Call it a syndrome of being an only child to a talkative single mother or a result of fear of commitment, daddy and/or trust issues, or the inability to let go – WHATEVER – if you’re a human alive today, you probably know very little about me because very few are close. It’s really not as sad as it sounds.

In a world becoming more and more viral, digital, incessantly squawking, this is kind of an amazing (bad and good) feat. So when this air of privacy became compromised on Christmas Eve of 2014 at 6:20AM, I was, not surprisingly, a bit shaken.

All of my roommates were away visiting their national and international homelands; it was just me and the cat. I was awoken by the doorbell; confused, I rang my mother but she was already at work. I went downstairs to find a package and a card addressed to me. Longer story shorter, words like “love” and “friendship” were tossed around in the scrawled note. Odd further still was who it was coming from, a person who was more of an acquaintance of the family than a lifelong pal.

It didn’t stop there, over the course of 2015 this person came to the house unannounced and at strange hours, banged trash cans, sent notes, gifts, called and texted repeatedly, left cryptic Facebook messages, even coming to my place of employment with a large and expensive bouquet of pink roses, sending me a picture of them to make sure I knew who they were from. He appeared at a random assortment of shows that he knew I would be at, (most recently at a Psychic Readings gig in November in Providence where I had to “make a scene” and have fellow attendees stay close). Apparently his own marriage and a child held for him no restraint.

I was not flattered. It was not cute. I had never led him on nor had any romantic interest in him, (and isn’t it sad that I have to say that anyway?). SO, WHY THE FUCK AM I TELLING YOU ALL THIS? Well, firstly because as I was being dropped off from work this morning by a co-worker, he was there behind us in his own car so no, this isn’t over. Secondly, because I’m tired of keeping such heavy shit to myself when I know there are others out there like me, who are keeping things to themselves as well and thirdly, because I need a platform to say this:

To the individual in question: STOP. LEAVE ME ALONE. THERE ISN’T A SINGLE THING ABOUT ME THAT BELONGS TO YOU.

To other victims: You don’t have to be polite and go through something like this alone. Reach out to people, build a support system. If you’re in the Boston area, check out Jane Doe Inc. (Massachusetts Coalition Against Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence) for a list of your rights and resources.

To me, a promise for 2016: I aim to be more visible in my community, to reserve more time for my own projects, to go to more shows, to be kinder to myself, to be a little less polite, to take more risks, and to breathe. Just fucking breathe.” – via Boston Hassle

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Preface/Note: This is something I wrote like a week or so ago in one of those manic, late-night-depression-fueled moments, (in full quarter life crisis mode). It’s like, somber and stuff…but as the world burns around us, I came across the realization that it isn’t so tragic. I was sad when I wrote this but I’m not sad now. So basically I’m trying not to take my own issues as seriously anymore. “Try” being the operative word here because, after all, I am human and so incredibly flawed. We take each day at a time.

***

When we first met, I already thought I was in love with someone else; my heart was darkening, aging, becoming more irrational. Under duress and sips of gin, I grabbed you and thankfully you accepted my embrace. After our night together I never expected to see or hear from you again so when I did I was both confused and conflicted, not ready for an actual human interaction, (as odd and hypocritical as that may sound). Blame the coldness and instant gratification of the Millennial generation, blame poetry, blame habitual bouts with depression, blame your gender, blame mine, blame history, blame the sun, blame the wind, blame autumn, blame the very concrete that you walk upon day after monotonous day.

Our dreams have been deferred too many times to count. You aim to sparkle like a star in the blackest of night skies and I just want a place to call home and to own a voice that echos louder and longer than all of the rest. Easier said than done, I get it – I KNOW…And through it all, words are becoming harder and harder to spew and less cathartic because things, in general, don’t ever seem to change.

I am the unfortunate nurse forced to heal the walking wounded although, ironically, I am one of them. Over time, I’ve come to care about your well-being. Words are barely uttered, eye contact barely maintained, and yet…I just know. I know more than I should at this age, it’s true. Because neither one of us wants to play the role of The Fool, we walk in opposite directions again and again, each step increasing with speed.

Ideally, I’d meet you all over again, under different circumstances, taking your hand in mine and simply say,

“Hello, my name is Sarah. Nice to meet you.”

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I am beyond honored to have had one of my novels nominated for UMBC’s required reading for its first year program. As a GED recipient and a university dropout, this acknowledgement from Academia is especially heartwarming. Although not selected, it is always nice to be nominated! You will also notice some of my Lankvillian colleagues on this list!

sad girl poetry

 

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via The Lankville Daily News

By Sarah Samways, Contributing Female
By Sarah Samways, Contributing Female

Popular motivational speaker and local “financeteer,” Brian 4 Ever, made a rare appearance at the Pizza A-Round last night. Also spotted were Computer Computer Paper CEO Amanda Burgess, Tammy La Hoyt of Tammy’s Nails, LDN’s own cuisine writer Brian Schropp, and President Albert Pondicherry. Yes, the stars were certainly out in honor of the pizza establishment’s recent “C-” grade from the Board of Health, (the highest grade its seen in months). Coinciding with this was the Computer Computer Paper company’s annual Midnight Snack/Employee Appreciation Seminar, aiming to “celebrate good employees and belittle bad ones all while enjoying a light nosh.” 4 Ever was the head lecturer for the event.

“Tomorrow I will be another year older and thankfully, a little bit wiser,” said 4 Ever in an indistinct Southern Lankville accent.

“I’ve come out here tonight, standing on a precipice, to share my priceless advice on how to live your life to its fullest! How to become all that you can be! There are several steps to success and it starts with money and it ends with money and in between that are empty pizza boxes, a cleansing, burning sensation, a couple of songs, and a limited time offer. Tell me people, are you ready to change your life?”

At the height of his speech, 4 Ever then proceeded to remove his suit to reveal a simple black cocktail dress as Burgess urged pizza patrons to try some of 4 Ever’s “miracle hand lotion.”

“This is a risk-free, low-commitment, time-sensitive deal here. For just five installments of $19.99, you

Brian 4 Ever, Computer Computer Paper CEO Amanda Burgess and their #1 Fan
Brian 4 Ever, Computer Computer Paper CEO Amanda Burgess and their #1 Fan

can change your life! The burning is only an indication of toxins being removed from the body, you’re getting cleaner as we speak,” Burgess coaxed a clearly agitated onlooker, while globbing some of the lotion into his hands.

After the speech was over, refreshments and slices of garlic bread were served, autographs were signed and photographs were offered with 4 Ever and Burgess at a discounted fare of $49.99, special for the occasion. Number-one-fan, Katrina Hall, excitedly emptied her purse to the duo.

“I’ve been following Brian 4 Ever on tour for about seven years now. His talks are so inspirational! I’ve bought all his products! I even got myself a job as a secretary at the Computer Computer Paper company just so I could witness his talks on the business circuit. Of course, I ended up losing that position because I would sneak into the conference room for his lectures and let all of (Burgess’s) calls go to voicemail…But, ya know, there are no hard feelings.”

The Pizza A-Round, pleased with the night’s events, is stated to be in the process of making a commemorative “Pizza Pizza 4 Ever,” a pie that can only be described by the chef as “never-ending.” Details will be released at a later date.

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LANKVILLE TALKS BACK 

brock belvedere
By Brock Belvedere

The Lankville Presidential Election is heating up. Incumbent Pondicherry is currently in the lead with Royer and Hadbawnik tied for second. Polls close on Thursday and the winner will be announced on Friday via this publication as well as through our sister pundit, The Boston Hassle. You’ve seen the attack ads, now let’s see what Lankvillians have to say about the candidates.

 

DAVID HADBAWNIK, GOURD 

Sarah Samways
Sarah Samways

“I voted for David. Think he’s been running a strong campaign from the very beginning. He obviously has concerns about the environment. Nobody else has even mentioned the Lankvillian smog. He just seems like a regular guy you’d go and have Kombucha with at the local artisanal cheese shop. He’d make a fine President. Now, personally, I took issue with the fact that he helped to out my affair with Ashley Pfeiffers’ boyfriend but in hindsight, I’m glad he did. (He) was an absolute bore anyway. It just goes to show you, how uncompromised Hadbawnik’s ethics are – he can’t be bought, believe me I tried!” – Sarah Samways, Samways & Fick Consultants 

 

ALBERT PONDICHERRY, MODERATION

Neil Cuppy
Neil Cuppy

“Great men should remain in positions of power for as long as possible. Change is overrated. Besides, Pondicherry is the only person to ever come down to my basement to browse my extensive vintage electronics collection. He even bought an old model Reckoner! He’s a man with great taste in polyester and has never once made me feel awkward about my sweat gland issue!” – Neil Cuppy, The Electronics Cranny 

“The Pizza-A-Round fully endorses Albert Pondicherry for President of Lankville. He supports local businesses, mostly the back of the house where there are good hiding places and a couple of random holes in the wall but nevertheless, he bought 72 pizzas for our little league team! Now, this is the off-season but he hand delivered every single one of those pies to each player’s home. Yes, it was 10:30 at night but his heart was in the right place – it always is.” – Pizza-A-Round

RANDY PENDLETON, LANKVILLE HERITAGE

“Goddamn motherlusting idiots! Pendleton is the only man for the job! He ain’t afraid to speak his mind. You got a problem with that, pal? Go back to whatever hut you were born in. Lankville needs to get back to its roots and become number one again. Pendleton is a guy who can roll with the punches and I like that, I like it a lot.” – Dick La Hoyt

AMANDA JENNIFERS, MORALITY

“I hereby declare myself as the most qualified candidate for President of Lankville. While the other candidates have their hands in jars of old money, mine are clean and ready for your examination. I don’t need to pay for endorsements; Lankville is ready for a new voice – a clear, well-educated, hard-working, voice that will stand up for them. Plus, I’m female and we all know what an asset that is in politics.” – Amanda Jennifers

RIC ROYER, HELL 

Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston

“Ric’s been a patient of mine for some time and I’ve gotta say, he’s made some tremendous strides. Just yesterday, while doing some breathing exercises, he purchased a Feelings Trigger-Sphere (basketball), and a carafe of stale ginger ale, which at a combined total of $39.99 is an absolute steal. I spoke with him softly, merely above a whisper, as he explained his horrible dreams for Lankville. Now, I’m not registered to vote, because I feel competition, in general, can harbor some of our more yucky feelings but I’m not opposed to you doing so, Brock. In fact, I have these nice, antique quill pens that you can fill out your ballot with for a limited time offer price of $27.85…” – Dr. Kevin Thurston, Men’s Feelings Expert

 

 

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Samways and Fick, Inc.


S&F INC. believes that leaders deserve to have a high-performing team and we help them (the leaders) to place the right people in the right seats doing the right things in the right foundation at the right time and in the right climate.Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain

“Working with Samways and Fick: Consultants proved to be a weird yet insightful experience.  The team was simple to work with, arrived on a bus and forged a process that was unique to our needs. They had embroidered shirts with mountains on them. They matched our tasks to other people’s tasks, thus bringing everybody together as one. I recommend them enthusiastically for anyone who is interested in a complimentary sack lunch and a free tote bag.” – Suzy, East Lankville 

(REAL TESTIMONIAL)

Why we do what we do:

We believe in our clients’ potential. Our clients can do anything that they set their minds to – and by golly, do we mean ANYTHING! There’s really no holding them back, (even if others would prefer that they did). No, if it’s the stars that they want – it’s the galaxy that they shall consume! We love meeting new people.

How our clients benefit: 

Our clients are our top priority…when there’s nothing good on television, after dinner usually. As a client of S&F INC., you’ll reap the rewards of a top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art, fully integrated, emotionally toiling, no-strings-attached relationship. We only have your best interests at heart; trust us, it’s better this way.

What we do:​​​​

We eliminate waste on a regular, daily schedule – a move that positively affects the bottom line. Implementing our Core Values™, we’ve helped thousands of companies cut costs and rebuild infrastructure. Our approval rate is well within the profit margin and our numbers (9 – 86) are through the roof! Do not hesitate to make an appointment with us today! S&F INC: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain, Since 2014.

     Core Values 

  • Quality
  • Accountability
  • Balance
  • Food (small)
  • Team
  • Lighting
  • Fun
  • Meeting Customer Expectations
  • Collaboration
  • Bathrooms