…Or just take some ibuprofen.

The Lankville Daily News

By Sarah Samways By Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways is a contributing female.

It’s been awhile since we last spoke, Lankville, but I promise I have not forgotten you. I’ve been out in the deepest regions of Little Hometown on assignment and have been trying to stay alive. While I was dodging Molotov cocktails from threatening armies and avoiding booby traps, I insisted on staying positive (if only for my crew’s sake). It’s all about perspective, now isn’t it?

We went on foot to discover if any bumpkins had scurried into the trees out of fright. I wanted to know what was going on here but again, I had fallen short of any real answers. I scribbled things on bits of leaves at random parts of the day, tossing aside the ones that I deemed incomplete thoughts on the spot. These equations only fueled more theories and none of them mattered. A young, nervous…

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The Universal Language isn’t music, math, or Esperanto – it’s the Internet. What about those in “third world countries,” you ask? Well, they’re not missing much and they’re missing a lot. Also, your neighbors across the street may not have access to this technicolored multi-speak either and ya know what (?!), I think they’ll survive. For now. If you can read this, just give me a wave – but wait, actually, no…keep your digits to yourself. K, thanx!

 

The Lankville Daily News

You Whoever said you can’t buy friendship was wrong.

Whoever said you can’t buy friendship was wrong and obviously had never heard of Dial-A-Buddy! Dial-A-Buddy, Lankville’s newest venture in friendship growing, is coming to a (device) near you!

Are you depressed, confused? Are you lonely? Are you feeling unsafe and in need of a community to call your own? Are you in love with a ghost? Sounds like you need a Buddy, friend.

With Dial-A-Buddy, all you need is a (portable transmitting device), with the add-on Dial-A-Buddy signaling attachment ($39.99), and a little bit of patience. Type a few non-sequiturs into your device like “Lemons are the fruits of the gods” or “Brouhaha at Tony’s…” and wait for a response from any one of Lankville’s 3,229 Dial-A-Buddy agents. Waiting times vary from one minute to three weeks, so have patience. Once you have received a response from a Buddy, which will…

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Failures astound…

The Lankville Daily News

By Sarah Samways By Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways is a contributing female.

Local school teacher Stevette Debbie, 32, failed her entire first grade class as of yesterday, early evening.

“These kids are idiots, to be honest with you,” claimed Debbie. “They will never learn!”

Ms. Debbie was then seen putting large red Xs on student papers, while furiously gulping down jasmine tea. Some papers even received a blunt “F U!”

When probed as to why there is so much failure afoot and how she can even determine that at such a young age, Ms. Debbie put it simply: “Genetics. Most are just born dumb, mean, and creepy. Some learn it over time, through unfortunate experiences, and at no real fault of their own. Some try to fly under the radar because they don’t want to be chastised by their peers or fall victim to a youth challenge and so they pretend to be…

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