News from Lankville: This is Me, Getting Into My Van

Boston Hassle + The Lankville Daily News =


By Billy 

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking- okay, it’s a picture of a bald guy getting into a van. Pretty ordinary. Kind of thing you see everyday in Lankville.

Well, what if I told you that guy is me?

You’re reading a little closer now, aren’t you?

Let me tell you a little more about this photograph.

I had stopped for lunch at a gas station on the summit of a mountain. I live on the mountain but not quite on the summit, see. I live a little further down but not at all far from the summit understand– just a quick five-minute drive. The thing about the summit is– you gotta’ have some money to live up there– what with that view and everything. Most of the people that live up there– they got these above ground pools in their yards. Yeah, that’s the kind of green we’re talking about.

They got a little gas station with a bistro attached and a couple of umbrellas thrown out for effect. They also got a hobby shop nearby, a place where you can buy those little wrapped trees for your porch and a Dollar Bush. So, again, you get the picture of the kind of place the summit is.

Anyways, I had just finished off a quarter pounder roast chuck sandwich with fries. They cut the fries into little animal shapes– makes me laugh. I’m coming out to the old girl– she’s a ’97 Neptune Argosy (big enough to camp in, I’ve done it) and a guy standing over by the pumps says, “Hey, you, the squat sort of person over there– do you want your picture taken being as how you’re on the summit of the mountain?” Hell, I’m not going to lie– I thought it was a little weird. But then I kind of came around to the idea– after all, I was on the summit. And I couldn’t think of any photos of myself with the old Neptune (except the thousands I took when I first bought her). Thought it could be something I could share with the grandchildren even though I’m going to be dead before I have any grandchildren because I’m 47 and divorced and childless and have no prospects at all because I don’t live on the summit but rather deep in the woods just on one side of the mountain but whatever, a guy can dream can’t he?

Well, this guy asks for my phone number and tries to send me the photograph. But on account of us being on the summit of a mountain, we can’t get any kind of signal and the guy says, “Hey, listen, when I get down off the summit, I’ll send this to you.” Well, I thought that was a heck of an idea so I says, “Yeah sure, do that, would you?” And he looks at me for a long time and then he says, “You bet I will.” And you know what? I could tell he meant it.

And he did. Because, sure enough, the next time I left the mountain (about two months later), there it was– popped right up on my flip-top.

And now, I can share it with you Lankville.

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