THIS JUST IN!

The Lankville Daily News

By Sarah Samways By Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways is a contributing female.

DUMB BITCH CAN’T CONNECT

Dubbed the town’s “dumb bitch,” Abby Basic, 25, was seen running around town trying to plug cords and various wires into people as if they were wall sockets. Lifting up people’s shirts and pulling down their pants in local eateries and teen hangouts, Basic attempted to plug disconnected phone chargers, power adapters, and extension cords into patrons’ orifices. Chef and restaurateur of the popular 4 ¾ starred X86 Bistro, Mark Garabedian, was “…in complete shock” and had to restrain Basic himself with the help of an unnamed busboy.

“It was horrible. This awful woman barged in past the maître d’, covered head-to-toe in all these wires that weren’t plugged into anything and then was harassing all the patrons. She kept yelling ‘I’m trying to connect!’ and then proceeded to literally plug people. I ended up having to…

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