WE DID IT! Uh, no pun intended. Boston Hassle is excited to collaborate with fake news site The Lankville Daily News for a weekly feature called “News from Lankville.” We happily present to you headlining stories and editorials by both real and fictional characters, living in a town just on the brink of existence. This week’s feature is by self-love/sex positive expert, JoLayne Fasters:
Was it good for you?
If you’re like most of Lankville, chances are it wasn’t. Chances are it was really bad and maybe even scary. You were addled with anxiety, there was an otherworldly piercing noise you couldn’t identify, you were worried about your physical worth. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a romantic novel or the back of one of those juice cans, you still harbor your suspicions. Sure, you thundered like a bucking stallion, sure, you melted at his touch like candy on a particularly hot Easter. And yet, you still think- you’re pretty much not getting it anywhere as often as everyone else.
You think to yourself– can’t we all just have great sex???
Of course we can. All the time. But first, we must decide what great sex is.
“Great sex starts in here,” says clinical psychologist Patti Cooks, pointing to her breast. “What, in your boobs?” we asked. “No, no, in your heart.” We nodded slowly. “It starts in your heart and great sex is about what is in your particular heart and in the heart of your lover and then the two hearts come together to decide what great sex is. It could be multiple orgasms throughout an entire raucous night, it could be a lot of chatter and then some quick sort of breezy thing. But first, you have to do this.” Cooks then pointed to her wide open mouth.
“What…? Oral…?” we asked confusedly.
“No, no,” she admonished. “You have to open your mouth. You have to talk.”
GREAT SEX TIP ONE: PILLOW TALK
So, as we found out, the mouth is great for kissing and for orally-administered forms of arousal but it’s also a tool of communication. Try it. Tell each other what you want. Maybe you want something simple like a particular part of your body rubbed sensuously. Maybe you want your partner to dress up as a happy smiling tooth and distribute dental supplies on a street corner while you videotape the entire thing. But you’ll never know any of this without an open line of communication. Shoot for trust and openness.
GREAT SEX TIP TWO: DON’T BELIEVE ALL THE TALK
Don’t believe all the bragging out there about sexual potency– everyone is apt to exaggerate their exploits and paint distorted pictures of their sex lives.
“About 97% of people are liars,” Cooks says. “A lot of people think they’re missing out on something because they read all the crazy talk on things like Lankbook and at amusement parks. “Don’t think the pleasure ship has sailed and left you behind. The pleasure ship is still docked. It’s ready for you to hop aboard.”
Cooks excused herself momentarily.
GREAT SEX TIP THREE: FOCUS ON LUSCIOUS, PLEASURABLE SENSATIONS
Commutes. Computational devices. Calculators. Challenges. “The Four C’s”. And they all lead us to stress.
Stress is a great enemy of sex. So is anxiety about performance. Minimizing both helps maximize your enjoyment of your partner. “If we can quiet our minds,” Cooks says, “put away those calculators for just a minute, we can open ourselves up to better sex.”
Cooks recommends a mentra: FOLPS (Focus on Luscious Pleasurable Sensations).
“There are techniques ranging from quiet leering at your partner at close range to a sort of synchronized breathing that helps keep you in the moment,” she notes. “Great sex happens in the present. It never happens in the future.”
The author and Dr. Cooks suddenly got into an argument about time machines and this segment came to an abrupt end.
GREAT SEX TIP FOUR: FOCUS LESS ON SIZE AND MORE ON OTHER MATTERS
No two people are built the same (fact) and it’s important to have compatible body parts. For some women, men of a modest size may be a perfect fit. For other women, they need the good stuff. Nevertheless, it’s a matter of physiology and personal preference. Perfect-fitting penetration isn’t the only avenue to satisfying sex.
“My goodness, no,” Dr. Cooks laughed. “Small men can be perfectly useful. There’s kissing. Cooing. They can sit in the corner and coo at you. It’s a full panoply of pleasure giving.”
Next time, we’ll continue with a few more great sex tips. In the meantime, try a few of these out and let us know how they go. We always appreciate your letters, electronic mails and telephone calls.
These quicker sketches are like coloring book pages for semi-adults.
17. “Well, we’ll go swimmin’ every day/no time to work, just time to play”—“Summertime”—The Jamies = LAND, LOST
18. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service = BRASH BOOMBOX
“She’s having a really hard time right now,” said an unnamed roommate of Dylan’s…
Originally posted on The Lankville Daily News:
GIRL SPILLS MILK, CRIES FOR DAYS
Resident “sad girl”, Desdemona Dylan, 19, is reported to have suffered from severe ennui with a touch of a hysteria after spilling a glass of almond milk yesterday morning. Too absorbed in a book of poetry that she was reading, she failed to see where the edge of her kitchen table was and placed the glass down into thin air. Gravity withstanding, the glass shattered onto the hardwood floor and all its contents went to waste. Dylan’s cat got frightened and ran out of the room. Witnesses were on the scene.
“She’s having a really hard time right now,” said an unnamed roommate of Dylan’s, “that was the last of her almond milk until she gets paid from CafHey!, that donut shop that she works at. It’s a big loss.”
View original 587 more words
I’ve been holding off from posting these for a little bit now – I think it’s mostly because I wanted them to be a surprise for a bigger project. But due to financial/time constraints I really won’t have an opportunity to do this later so…
8. “Springtime is on my mind/Flower bloomin’ all the time/Smell the roses, smell the grass/Old man Winter can kiss my ass”—Spinal Tap = KLOWN KISS-OFF
Yes, I was very bad – but I want to make it up to you! Here are drawings made from inspirations seen from Day 3 to Day 7:
3. “All Nature seems at work/ Slugs leave their lairs—The bees are stirring—Birds are on the wing”—Samuel Coleridge
4. “Rise and put on your foliage, and be seen/ To come forth, like the springtime, fresh and green,”—Robert Herrick
5. “A warble for joy of lilac-time, returning in reminiscence” –Walt Whitman
6. “A little Madness in the Spring
Is wholesome even for the King,
But God be with the Clown –
Who ponders this tremendous scene –
This whole Experiment of Green –
As if it were his own!”—Emily Dickinson
wee” –e e Cummings