DIACRITICAL MARKS OF THE FUTURE

The Universal Language isn’t music, math, or Esperanto – it’s the Internet. What about those in “third world countries,” you ask? Well, they’re not missing much and they’re missing a lot. Also, your neighbors across the street may not have access to this technicolored multi-speak either and ya know what (?!), I think they’ll survive. For now. If you can read this, just give me a wave – but wait, actually, no…keep your digits to yourself. K, thanx!

 

YEAR OF THE SCREAMING FEMALE

 

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Originally posted on The Lankville Daily News:

Whoever said you can’t buy friendship was wrong and obviously had never heard of Dial-A-Buddy! Dial-A-Buddy, Lankville’s newest venture in friendship growing, is coming to a (device) near you!

Are you depressed, confused? Are you lonely? Are you feeling unsafe and in need of a community to call your own? Are you in love with a ghost? Sounds like you need a Buddy, friend.

With Dial-A-Buddy, all you need is a (portable transmitting device), with the add-on Dial-A-Buddy signaling attachment ($39.99), and a little bit of patience. Type a few non-sequiturs into your device like “Lemons are the fruits of the gods” or “Brouhaha at Tony’s…” and wait for a response from any one of Lankville’s 3,229 Dial-A-Buddy agents. Waiting times vary from one minute to three weeks, so have patience. Once you have received a response from a Buddy, which will probably look something like this “:-)”, rejoice! You’ve…

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sarsparillav:

Failures astound…

Originally posted on The Lankville Daily News:

Sarah Samways is a contributing female.

Local school teacher Stevette Debbie, 32, failed her entire first grade class as of yesterday, early evening.

“These kids are idiots, to be honest with you,” claimed Debbie. “They will never learn!”

Ms. Debbie was then seen putting large red Xs on student papers, while furiously gulping down jasmine tea. Some papers even received a blunt “F U!”

When probed as to why there is so much failure afoot and how she can even determine that at such a young age, Ms. Debbie put it simply: “Genetics. Most are just born dumb, mean, and creepy. Some learn it over time, through unfortunate experiences, and at no real fault of their own. Some try to fly under the radar because they don’t want to be chastised by their peers or fall victim to a youth challenge and so they pretend to be stupid but that’s…

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Selfie Act of 2014

Hello Elsa,

I must apologize for not adhering to the Selfie Act of 2014 which mandates that I take multiple photos of myself and send them to you immediately. I’ve been too busy being comfortable amongst the chaos that is Life. But with the new year, comes a new start. I hope these will suffice, for now. Safe travels!

 
Timmy Selfies_1

 

Yours,

Timmy

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sarsparillav:

I am in this publication’s debt! (18 bucks, approximately…) I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for our loyal readers! My confidence is soaring and I can now become the style maven we all knew I was born to be. Thank you, The Lankville Daily News!

Originally posted on The Lankville Daily News:

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Lankville Daily News columnists David Hadbawnik, Ric Royer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp were all honored yesterday at a downtown luncheon held in an office park that was later completely destroyed by a mysterious fire. Hadbawnik, Royer and Samways received huge, unwieldy trophies and Schropp was awarded the “Lankville Golden Dish” for his cuisine reviews.

The ceremony was hosted by notable celebrity Randy Pendleton.

“It was a great honor,” noted Hadbawnik, who was struggling to hold up the elephantine trophy as photographers snapped away. “I feel I’ve done some important work this year on gourd-awareness and mud pits and I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure that people have noticed.”

Hadbawnik later had to be hospitalized after suffering a slight groin pull in his effort to hoist the trophy one final time for photographers.

Samways, who arrived wearing a foreign headdress, a sweatshirt and bicycle pants was similarly…

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sarsparillav:

The President is in denial. He needs to address those tent murders in an actual forum and stop sugar coating the situation!

Originally posted on The Lankville Daily News:

Lankville Daily News’ Contributing Female hits the streets in search of answers.

Lankville, your safety is important to me – I want you to know that. Your privacy is too, I suppose. The state of your mental health is a concern I have from time to time, if there’s nothing good on television. So when I heard there was an incident in The Woods, I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I interviewed several Lankvillians on the scene but I wasn’t getting any straight answers. When asked about the incident, a group of teenagers shrugged their shoulders. An unidentified man on a bicycle claimed he had heard an explosion of some sort but this could not be corroborated with police reports.

“Not a thing is singed,” said Detective Gee Temple, as he jumped into a pile of leaves. “We’ll take some samples of these leaves I’ve just…

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GIFTS FOR LITTLE GIRLS

Geneva & Ivy's Pigs

As we all know, my mama is always keen on buying piggy banks for newborn kids in the hopes that their parents will be able to put a little change aside for them as they grow up. This year, she bought blank ones and asked me to decorate them for the newest kids. In my experience, if you turn your head for a year, five kids pop up so I had my work cut out for me. My advice: Save your money. Don’t talk to strangers.

my baseball bat

For Xmas, I bought myself a baseball bat. Isn’t she a fucking beauty?!

It’s the holiday season and I’ve been forced to ponder things very deeply and very astutely. It’s an unfortunate occurrence as I think I’m pretty on throughout the year but forgive me for I am about to be blunt. I must address all who dare come out of the woodwork and come to me in both tangible and ghostly scenarios. It’s a cosmic joke that almost feels like you all met beforehand and planned sporadic trips upon my doorstep.

When I was growing up I always thought that I had failed men, when in truth, it was they, who had failed me – again and again. My whole life has been a power struggle with invisible XY chromosomes and for what? I’ve accomplished things in spite of them, and until recently, my version of success was based more in defense tactics rather than in offense. I want to free myself from this. While I acknowledge that this can never completely happen, because the sexes will always battle on some level (this can be seen in nature), my primary focus will be on myself. I will handle weapons instead of shields.

I will win on behalf of my own glory first. If I should win in front of you, putting you out of your misery, this would only be a plus. I’m tired of being a victim, tired of being pushed around. I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut, and saying “…it’s okay.” I’m tired of not being able to love properly, whatever that means. The Woods sprouted foliage from my veins, I own them and you don’t have an invitation to peruse them whenever you like. They’re meant for me and a select few. There’s nothing here for you.

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sarsparillav:

Hope your Xmas was less interesting than mine!

Originally posted on The Lankville Daily News:

A Selection from Our Heavy Bursting Christmas Mail Sack

Well, it’s the day after Christmas and our editor’s office has been flooded with letters from you, our loyal readers. These range in topic from “How long do I cook the Decorative Ham?” to “How much tinsel is too much tinsel?” and “What polish should I use to clean my new aluminum baseball bat?” THESE ARE ALL VERY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS LANKVILLE AND WE LOVE YOU FOR IT. But there was one letter from a little girl that was particularly heartwarming:

Dear Lankville Daily News,

Why is Santa wearing jeans? Why does he sometimes smoke cigarettes and wear aviator sunglasses, even at nighttime? Why does he call the school librarian ‘Mama’? I really don’t think that’s his mama.

Merry Xmas,

Veronica

Mr. Fick of Fick Industries (who drew the short straw this year and was placed in charge of incoming mail) was…

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